A friend of mine recently told me to find the beauty in the world. I am going through an extremely tough time at the moment, probably the worst I have ever been through. The kind where if you were to stop and really think about what is happening, the pain of it could swallow you whole. So my friend and one of my mentors who knows me better than most, gave me this advice-to find the beauty in the world. He knows that I have no problem finding the suffering, the pain, the deprivation and the sorrow but finding the good things, seeing a silver lining is not always my strong point. I know it is there, I just don’t always see it or even want to see it. And I think this is how a lot of us are. Life is hard, I seem to be repeating this over and over again at the moment. Everyone I know and love seems to be going through a really hard time. And we all seem to be looking around, a little bewildered, looking for some answer, wondering why no one told us it would be this difficult. And then comes my challenge: find the beauty in the world. I wish he had said go to bed and watch some Netflix and everything will be better in the morning. But he didn’t.
And so I have begun a search for beauty. I usually find it in obscure places-my work takes me to wonderful places like the Philippines and Ethiopia and it is really easy to find beauty and wonder here. When I go away I am transported to a different world, a world full of not just amazing scenery and remarkable people but to places where perspective is at the centre of everything. My world becomes realigned as I see people who are living in abject poverty, recovering from disasters or fighting injustice on a daily basis, rise from their circumstances and transform their lives. The world looks different when you are sitting on a mountain in the clouds 4,300 metres above sea level, sharing a moment with the creator of the universe. Or sitting on top of a jeep chasing a sighting of a rare Ethiopian mountain lion as dusk falls around you and fire flies dance around your face. In those moments everything is perfect, even when it isn’t.
In those moments you feel more alive than you ever have in your entire life. You become overwhelmingly thankful for the openness and inspiration of people. You meet people who let you into their lives and their stories and even though you know you will never see them again they are etched in your memory forever. You know you have shared in their pain and their sorrow as well as their joy and their hope. Seeing the beauty in this world is easy for me. Seeing the beauty in the world I live in is an entirely different challenge.
When I meet people for work and they tell me their stories, they have for the most part already overcome so many obstacles, triumphed over what would seem like insurmountable circumstances and transformed their lives. They tell me about the hope they have for the future, the dreams they have for themselves and their children. It is easy to come home inspired and mesmerised. Believing in the depths of your soul that people can overcome all circumstances; that bad can always, somehow be turned to good. But those feelings wear off, you forget, life takes over. Those feelings of clarity become a distant memory, you come home and life kicks back in. Perspective slowly but surely disappears. The hamster wheel of life begins again and even though you rally against it, inevitably that brief feeling where the world made sense is gone. And then all you see is the imperfection, the troubles of the people around you, the worries and the struggles. Until, someone challenges you- find the beauty in the world.
I realised as I searched for this beauty that I have a tendency to look for it in far off places. It occurred to me that maybe my friend wasn’t saying find the beauty in the world of Ethiopia and the Philippines, in those wondrous stories of hope and resilience. Maybe he was saying ‘find the beauty in your world Gemma.’ In this world where your life is hard, where you grieve and cry and scramble for answers that aren’t there. Where you see your friends struggle and your family’s pain, where you walk by homelessness and drug addiction on a daily basis. Where you look to a church that appears to be failing. Where you cry out to a God who feels more distant than ever. See the beauty in this world.
And so I am trying, and in my fight to survive my own thoughts and my own grief I am forcing myself to see things I would never normally see. I see my friends who text me every day to see how I am, to ask after my family. And the ones who just send me a funny picture or a joke because they know it will make me smile. I see my friends who make daily sacrifices for the good of their children and their marriages, who put other people’s needs before their own, who are quick to ask how you are even when they doing all they can to get through the day themselves. I see friendships that have grown over 15 years get stronger, as life gets tougher. As I start this piece I see two people in a coffee shop falling in love, messing and poking each other in those early stages of love and flirtation. I sit while waiting for my friend who has insisted on seeing me so he can check in with me and spend some time chatting over coffee. I see the waiter greet every customer with a smile. I see my friend preparing for the birth of her first child without the support of her mom – and for the first time I really feel her pain and lament not loving her more, while being forever thankful for her constant support. I see the joy in my nephew’s belly aching laugh as he watches his sister do the same funny trick for what must be the twentieth time. I see my own sister as we pull each other up and push each other on. I see the sun shining through the church window as the sound of a classically struck violin echoes around the walls. I see that God isn’t so distant after all.
And I see my dad as he looks at my mam, a smile stealing across his face as he takes her in. His eyes still shining for her like how I imagine they did, 55 years ago when they first met. I see her, still so eager to make him happy, still revelling in his presence. I see them, still in love after all these years, still laughing, still together in everything, still fighting on. Still loving us as we love them.
I see the beauty in the world. And it is perfect, even when it isn’t.
ilooktothehills 