How will I be remembered?

Recently I have been thinking about how I would like to be remembered, what my legacy on this earth will be. What people would say about me? I think they would say that I worked hard, that I loved my job, that I was passionate about justice, about ending poverty, about people’s rights.

But what would they say about me-as a friend, as a colleague, as a sister and a daughter or an aunty? For the last few weeks I have stood up in front of people and given talks about what it is to really love people, to really live a life where we love our neighbours as ourselves. In the context of my job and the work we do this is really important. We ask people to care about people living in poverty, people trapped in conflict or slavery. We encourage people to become involved in their own communities, to care for the homeless, the drug addicted, the lonely. I ask people to live a life where they put other people’s needs first. But the more I have given this talk the more I am asking myself if I do that. Do I live a life where I put others first? Do I love the people around me unconditionally?

You see it is easy for me to love people who are far away, to love refugees and people trapped in prostitution or living in poverty on the other side of the world. It is easy for me to stand up for their rights, to give 110% to my job, to encourage others to look beyond themselves-to people who are hurting around the world. But I realised, as I drove home from a talk one Sunday that loving the people who are around me is much harder. Showing mercy and grace to my friend when they hurt me or my colleague when they upset me is much more difficult. Being a neighbour to my actual neighbours is so much harder. Because it requires much more of a sacrifice. It means I have to have patience and respect and show people grace when I don’t want to, when I don’t feel like they deserve it. But isn’t this what we are called to do, isn’t this what society and communities should all be about. If you are a Christian or a person of faith you are called to live your life like Jesus. And even if you’re not, Jesus is still a pretty good benchmark for how we should treat each other, of what loving your neighbour should actually look like. Forgiveness, grace, mercy, non-judgemental patient unconditional love. What if we were all to live our lives like this? What would the world look like?

I saw a video on Facebook at the weekend, it was a little cartoon and the premise was- if you are not getting what you want from a friendship or a relationship then leave. If your needs are not being met then walk away. Because you deserve more and that person is of no use to you. And it made me think, it is not a bad message. If you are being hurt, if someone in your life is genuinely not good for you, if you are being physically, mentally or emotionally abused or used then absolutely that needs to not happen. But the real crux of this video was less about that, how we can protect ourselves from people who may hurt us and more just about ‘me’. The idea of ‘me’. There is a line from a song that talks about ‘a generation, a fascination of I, me and mine’ and I can’t help but feel like that is our starting point and end point sometimes. Me. It is my starting point and end point. I love my friends, my family, my colleagues and I would do anything for them. But do they always know that? Do my words and actions always reflect that?

I don’t think they always do. My colleague in work and one of the wisest, most gracious women I know, says that before you say anything you should ask yourself three things-is it kind, is it necessary, is it true and if it doesn’t fill one of those criteria then don’t say it. I fail at this, constantly and consistently but I am endeavouring to do it. We live in a country where one in five children are being bullied online, where people are so hurt and so broken our suicide rates are some of the highest in Europe. Where 450,000 people suffer from depression. Our country is in the depths of a homeless crisis like we have never before seen. What would our country, this world, look like if we all started to love our neighbours a little bit better? If we checked ourselves before speaking? What would it look like if I stopped thinking about me and started thinking about you? If instead of getting frustrated and annoyed I asked my colleagues how they are. If when my friend says something that may hurt me, I stop myself before hurting them back. What would happen if we all began to love unconditionally, to love without limits, to love extravagantly? To forgive, to let go.

I recently spent time in Ethiopia meeting with women who are part of a self-help group model of poverty alleviation. They have inspiring, jaw dropping stories of how their lives have been turned around. Of how they have gone from being the poorest of the poor with no money, no hope and no future to being able to send their children to school and college, to being able to feed their families three meals a day. The material and economic difference in their lives is nothing short of a miracle. But every time I left one of these groups; that was never the thing that was at the forefront of my mind or my heart. Every single time, without fail, I came away blown away by their love for each other. Their bond, their unfailing love and friendship. These women would do and have done anything and everything for each other. On one occasion we sat in a room, surrounded by these beautiful women, we had two words of Amharic, they had no English. But as one lady started to tell her story the whole room hushed. She spoke in her native language and we had no idea what she said but as she said it, we cried. Because as she spoke the other women hugged each other and cried, the women closest to her touched her and held her. And even though we couldn’t yet understand her story, we knew that these women had travelled a long road together, a road of pain and suffering. But they were still there, feeling each other’s pain, sharing in each other’s joy.

This lady had lost everything; her grown up sons, her husband, her livelihood and is currently losing her health. But she told us of the great love of her self-help group friends, the love of the women around her who have carried her through. Who every day go and collect her so she can be with them, who pool their money to pay her medical bills, who make sure she has food. These women who love her unconditionally, who never ever give up on her, who never forget her.

And that is how I want to be remembered. As someone who loved unconditionally, who put other people’s needs before my own. I want someone to say, they too, once knew a wise and gracious woman who changed the world around her. Not by her job or her blogs or her talks. By her actions, by her words, by her friendship, by her love.