I’ll be here

One of my best friends in the whole world called by recently, we had tea and cake and sat in front of the fire. We caught up on life and Christmas and family. And then she did what she so very often does and told me some things I didn’t want to hear. She told me gently but firmly that I need to start really grieving for my dad. I politely told her that I didn’t want to, she politely told me back, that I have to. You see I am well acquainted with grief, we go back a long way and I have always done my very best to avoid it. I see no reason in facing it now. Except of course for the wise words of my friend who pointed out that I won’t be able to out run it forever. I couldn’t before so why would now be any different. So I begrudgingly said, fine, I’ll do my best to face what I have to face but on the days I want to curl up in a ball and give up, I’m calling you. She said ‘I’ll be here’.

Those three words summed up some things that have been rolling over in my mind these last few weeks. I’ll be here. When things in your life all start to fall apart as they inevitably do, either through grief and loss or just life being overwhelmingly difficult, what is it that gets us through? More and more over the last year and particularly over the last three months I have realised that for me it is two things; faith and family and friends. Family and friends often being one and the same. My faith has been what has gotten me out of bed in the mornings. Not the type of faith like wise old ladies have, who have lived difficult and profound lives and so have this air of Godly knowledge about them but the other type of faith. The near non-existent faith that says ‘please God, help me get out of bed today. Literally. I can’t get up. It is too hard.’ And then you find yourself slowly inching your way out and managing to get dressed, some days even showering. And so with pure reliance on something inexplicable and much bigger than me I do the basics of eating, going to work, putting petrol in my car, even Christmas shopping. In between all of that I have people. So many people, so many more than I ever realised. Family, friends, co-workers, pastors. All saying the same thing; ‘I’ll be here’.

The thing with grief and loss and pain is that so very often it makes us shut down, close off to the outside world. When I am sad I disappear inside myself, I lose the ability to make conversation, I most certainly lose the desire for it. I want to stay in bed, with the lights off, weeping. I don’t want to talk about it because nobody understands, equally I expect people to understand without me ever having to explain it. I am not at my most rational when I am immersed in loss and pain. And yet every day without fail my phone will beep. Somebody will be checking in to see how I am, ask me if I am sleeping, am I keeping check on my alcohol intake. For those closest to me, they open themselves up to a long monologue of every thought I have ever had. Others will extend an offer for coffee or a walk or a movie. Or an invitation back to church. Sometimes the beep might just be a funny joke or an image sent to make me smile. But each one is saying the same thing; I’ll be here, I am here, when you are ready to come back to the world, I’ll be here. When you want to cry uncontrollably and kick and scream and yell at the injustice of it all, I’ll be here. When you want to sit in silence and stare vacantly at nothing, I’ll be here. Equally I know God is saying the same thing. Yell at me, cry out to me, I’ll be here.

So over the last while I have realised how very deeply loved I am by so many people and for reasons unknown to me, no matter what I do, these people keep on loving me. My family put up with long silences, my friends continually offer support, my boss takes me for coffee. And this love is the glue that holds me together when I am falling apart, or in really hard times it is the glue that puts me back together. Love is actually all that we need and without it life is unbearable. We were created for relationship, love and community. The two things I have learned throughout my messy life is that this world will give you pain, at some point we will all experience loss, sickness and difficulties but in those moments when you are at your lowest, when you are just about ready to give up, you can experience great love. People if you let them can pull you back from the brink. God, if you let Him will hold you in your sorrow. There is light in the darkness and the darkness has not overcome it.

So I am grateful in the midst of grief. I am grateful for the people who have taught me that the true purpose of life is to love and be loved. I am grateful that the Heavenly love I know is unconditional and because of that, so too is the earthly love that I am surrounded by. I am grateful that I have known great joy in the midst of immense pain. I am sometimes scared but I know that I am not alone. ‘I’ll be here’ much like ‘I love you’, must be the three most beautiful words anyone could ever hear.